Listening to scary rock and rap, writing more whorrible thin..
Added 2021-12-24 00:35:54 +0000 UTCListening to scary rock and rap, writing more whorrible things and then listening to Akon to feel better. Running a few miles, too. It’s weird to be alone and in the position that I’m in. It’s hard to be nice to myself. Being Asian for me comes with deep burdens to carry that people don’t want to acknowledge or deal with. Burdens that most people don’t ever have to imagine. Burdens, experiences and duties I’ve never asked for. I’m left with this deep ache inside my soul with no family, no real friends, no holidays, no existence, no role models and no guidance. I’m still the bad guy and I cant take it anymore. It’s easier for my family to medicate me and isolate me and pretend I don’t exist than to acknowledge the truth that inconveniences them and puts them responsible for the abuse they’ve put me through. I’m not crazy. My life matters. All of my brothers ans sisters matter. They’re not crazy. I don’t want to detach from them and I don’t want to talk to any more hwite therapists that just give me techniques to stop caring about my brothers and sisters. They just don’t care. All these movies and music about the system and our pain… is just entertainment for them. It’s easier for everyone to just pretend I don’t exist and I can’t take it anymore. There’s no point in taking normal pictures to invite more damage into my life. I’ve never felt safe or valuable. Everything I say or do here (to me) is clearly an act to help me average out the worthlessness and drowning inferiority o feel each moment frlm interactions form other people, interactions I don’t deserve, engagements that only serve other people and drown me in another world I’m not valuable in. Being Asian in America means I get to watch happy lives on the screen. I don’t mind spectating, appreciating and living through other peoples pics or videos from the internet. I can’t do this anymore. I’m clearing another level and doing some more research and processing. I’m not a good enough candidate rn for the military as I am now or am I good enough to be donating a kidney and I want to be. I’m not letting any more people in my life. My mental health is more important than other people’s convenience or joke. I’m done and I deserve better.
